mmmm... so I have been putting off this blog for a while and even worse, I have been putting off being my real self here. I have so many fears of judgment and rejection when I think about writing my truth in such a public medium. I really am such a private person with most of the world that it feels against my nature to broadcast who I am, where I am, what I am feeling, or even just what I am really thinking about. I think I'm just going to start out slowly. I am way too scared to just jump in with both feet, so today's post will be a start...Where I am today is really all about perfectionism. My whole life I have been a perfectionist. I am very much a member of the "if I can't do it well from the start why do it at all" club. As far back as I can remember I just wanted to succeed. It was never enough to just do well- I always had to be the best, the prettiest, the smartest. At some point a few years ago I let go of most of the competitive part of my personality. I think more than anything I just lost the energy it takes to maintain that attitude and lifestyle. I lost the energy to do as much work as it took to get an A plus in every class. I lost the energy to always be up on the news, fashion, whatever the topic so that I could know the most about it and beat everyone else. I thought these things would make me perfect, and in turn accepted. When I lost the energy to keep up with all of the perfectionist behaviors, I saw that I was still accepted when I wasn't the best, the smartest, the most up to date on information. In fact, people seemed to like me better when I could say "I don't know" and when I stopped trying to correct their mistakes.
Lately something has trigger in my life and I find myself back into those old patterns. I find myself relying so strongly on grades and knowledge to define who I am. I am back to correcting people and needing to prove that I know more than others and I HATE IT! I know that the solution is truly accepting that I am enough as I am, with my mistakes and flaws and imperfections... I know that the solution is to let love and acceptance into my life... I know the way out of these behaviors, but I can't seem to stop. Perfectionism, much like shame, is something that has never served me well, yet I continue to return to these perfectionist behaviors. I know I am not alone... I know I am not the only perfectionist and that is why I share.
:) I send to you today visions of beauty and acceptance no matter what you do or who you are.
