I have been sitting, processing, dealing a lot lately with my issues of competition, possession, shame, and perfection. I am not quite ready to write about any of it in detail as I just started processing it all, but I am seeing more and more that somewhere along the line I was taught or learned that I had to be the best, I had to stand out, I had to be perfect. I don't remember ever being fed this idea, in fact, my parents raised me with nothing but unconditional love and support. I am digging back to try to see where this may have been planted to no avail. I am however, more clearly seeing the way it plays out in my life today. I can more clearly see the pain it causes not only for myself for but other people as well. I know I am not alone in these beliefs, but it is so rare that anyone ever discusses it that I can't help but feel a little alone in the feelings. I am seeing people that are learning to stand up and say "you are expecting too much from me" or "that is more than I can feasibly do right now." I am seeking them out and I am finding a bit of comfort there.

Really the whole point of all this was to say that my friend Andrea has gotten me so into this book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) and it is INCREDIBLE.

Fall

Just a quick note to share this post over at curious bird....

I am so into fall. SO INTO IT. Kyle and I generally think October is the best month (it is Kyle's FAVORITE month as he so often reminds me). I think if you could have a power season, ours would be fall. There is such an energy to it all. The calming down of summer frenzy heat and build up to winter hibernation. The smell might be the best part~ the ciders, pumpkin, apple, spicy smells. OH, and the cooking... did I mention that my favorite things to cook are pumpkin? Pumpkin soup, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin cake, pumpkin bread.... Apple too~ Jewish apple cake, apple pie, apple crisp. It is so exciting to think about. The start of school gives me this feeling too. Unlike most people, the general overwhelm of starting school again doesn't get to me. I get excited and have such trouble keeping still with all the energy of preparing the semester. I plan for papers and projects and let autumn cover me whole- when I can come home from class, bake a little, curl up with a big cozy blanket and do homework. It is all too much~ too exciting.

Mondo Beyondo

As I mentioned in my last post, I am taking an online course from my dear, amazing, beautiful friend Andrea called MONDO BEYONDO. So of course, one of the first assignments was to create our own mondo beyondo lists. Rather than explain it here, you can read about what this list is on Andrea's blog here.
So, here it is.... my list, in no particular order:
- go to Paris
- live in Italy
- be happily, healthily married
-build my own home
-have a career i love in education reform
-teach!
-live in Hawaii
-learn to surf... well.
-live by the sea
-create something that moves people
-travel the world studying education policy and find a system that works for everyone!
-PhD
-let go of jealousy
-learn to REALLY cook
-be a fearless mother
-have an open, healthy relationship with Kati (my sister)
-speak French (more than I do)
-take responsibility for myself, dont always put it on others
-work in display at Anthropologie
-learn to chop firewood, mow the lawn, self-sufficiency things
-be more kind in answering my phone
-control my shopping
-stop judging
-know flower names
-know birds/ bird calls
-TRIBE... a real true one!
-have my own studio
-have a library in my house with a sliding ladder
-make dresses
-be kind and giving but give to myself FIRST
-share myself fully, genuinely, openly
-write a book (did i really write that? yep. i did!)
-show my art/photography
-live/work space (work from home with travel)
-be able to travel (ie: without getting sick or freaking out)
-financial freedom
-beach house!
-house on European coast (preferably on the Mediterranean)
-compassion for others
-fresh cut flowers at all times
-dog
-learn letterpress printing
-write/work for a magazine
-vermont, for a time...
-learn to ski/snowboard
-know more history
-my blue bathroom
-learn to really garden
-create a real HOME~



so that's it right now. i didn't number because that is overwhelming. and a lot of these things are more "to-do-before-i-die" things. some are more mondo beyondo than others, but all of them are true and rich....
:)

Good morning world! I just spent nearly a half hour typing a blog entry that I tossed out. And another fifteen writing a second that I scratched. It was real, genuine, true, messy.... Perhaps too much so. I am struggling deciding how personal to get on here. People are actually starting to read it and I don't want to create drama. I don't want to write things that certain people will see and I find myself censoring to the extreme just in case. I am feeling my way through and learning what is enough and what is too much. I will get there eventually.

For today though, I want to say that the sun came up beautifully on the side of the building in front of it. I am getting ready to go write my mondo beydondo list for andrea's online course. I am going to make some tea and really let it go. I am needing to spill a bit.
I wish the same for you~ a litlte bit of honest spilling.... It is so necessary sometimes.

So far...

So far this morning, I: baked a peach blueberry cobbler, made a sign to embarass Christy when we pick her up at the airport, ate a delicious breakfast (mixed berry yogurt with blueberries and strawberries and a whole wheat waffle with peanut butter), straightened the apartment, and cleaned the kitchen. And it is only 8:30!

It's mornings like this that I love.

Fruits of my Farmer's Markey labor

Just a quick little note about my amazingly fruitful (no pun intended) trip to the farmer's market. First on the list: CSA pick-up.... I got amazingly yummy looking tomatoes, three different kinds of summer squash (yuuuummm), radishes, and four big plump potatoes for baked potatoes on mom and dad's birthday lunch this Saturday. This makes the menu for their visit: steamed shrimp- big fat ones caked in Old Bay, grilled squash (see CSA pickup above!) and yummy yummy baked potatoes. I had initially decided to make a nectarine plum buckle for their birthday "cake" but come to find out nectarines are already out of season and my local farm won't be having any plums this season. So I decided to use the same Martha Stewart recipe but substitute peaches and blackberries. Hopefully it will work well but we will see. Needless to say, my trip to the farmer's market also yielded super juicy peaches and amazing blackberries. Finally, I treated myself to a pre-made bundle of flowers and an Emmy-made bunch of zinnias that I have spread throughout the apartment. OH and I almost forgot, on the way out Kyle picked out an amazing strawberry nectarine jam.

Overall, I have to say.... this basically made my day. The fact that Kyle came with me was just an added bonus!

Just a quick moment to post some shots of the light last night. It comes into my dining room at just the right angle at just the right time and it lights up the entire apartment. I always dreamed of a light-filled home and it might not be exactly how I wanted, but here I am with a home filled with gorgeous setting sun kind of light.

Starting again...

So here I am, starting again. I don't want to write a long explanation of why I can't seem to blog on a regular basis or why I am trying another go at it. I want to create a space to do as I please when I please. I hope to be able to post regularly. I hope to post an image from my day, whether it is a breakfast shot, an out and about shot, or an evening light capturing image. I hope to post the little bits that inspire me or touch me. I hope to be able to be full, rich, honest, genuine, enough in this space.